How to Spot a Narcissist in a Relationship
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) seems to be the mental disorder of our era. Social media is on flames about it and victims of narcissists tell their stories to raise awareness but also to reach some relief. I had my own experience that made me take a deeper look into this disorder and how it can manifest in relationships. And with that personal knowledge and the theory learned during my master’s in psychology, I hope this post will bring some structured perspective on how to spot a narcissist in a relationship!
Understanding Narcissism
Before anything else, you need to understand what narcissism is and have a realistic perspective on it, which might be different from the 15-second information in reels. The term “narcissism” comes from the Greek mythology character, Narcissus, who fell in love with his image. Once he saw his image reflected in the water, Narcissus became obsessed with himself. Not even the beautiful nymph Echo could get his attention.
Psychologically speaking, we are all a little narcissistic, (I said a little!), but those who suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder see themselves as better than anyone else. They have an excessive need for admiration and will go to great lengths to achieve it. Narcissists lack empathy, but they can mimic it to a T. They might seem the most concerned and interested people, but deep down, they don’t care about your problems or feelings. And they will not help you unless bragging about it helps them build an image of a good, generous person.
Grandiose Narcissism vs. Vulnerable Narcissism
The main types of narcissism are Grandiose (overt) narcissism and Vulnerable (covert) narcissism. And while I could break this condition down into even more types, these are the primary ones you need to be aware of.
People with Grandiose narcissism are focused on themselves more than the average person. They are self-centered and extremely confident, usually without a good reason to back up their confidence. These narcissists are arrogant and expect instant gratification simply because they see themselves as special or particularly gifted. They feel superior to others and have a developed sense of entitlement.
Those with Vulnerable narcissism have the same sense of importance as the Grandiose ones, but they know how to cover it to manipulate others. They might seem shy or introverted and take criticism seriously because their self-esteem is fragile. I can say that all types of a narcissist have fragile self-esteem, but this fragility manifests differently, according to their other personality traits. The sensitivity that Vulnerable narcissists display is meant to attract praise and encouragement from others who want to make them feel better about themselves.
Early Warning Signs
They Seem Too Good to Be True
You know that saying, if they seem too good to be true, they probably are? Well, it applies to narcissists to a T. They know exactly how to make a great first impression and are very charming individuals. Their natural confidence and charisma can get you under a spell rather quickly. But don’t expect them to be as attractive for long as they will start showing their true colors, (not necessarily soon, but it’s coming). A connection with a narcissist may seem dreamy in the beginning but this never lasts, it is just a pattern stage that shall pass.
Love Bombing
If you started dating such a person, you will notice this love-bombing technique from the first date. But most likely you will not recognize it for what it is. As much as they love themselves, these guys will seem to love you even more. And now that you know what narcissism is all about, I know it is hard to believe this. Well, you shouldn’t think it actually because it is all a scheme of love bombing.
They will consider your tastes and preferences to make you the most thoughtful gifts. You will enjoy incredible compliments and all the attention you expect from your partner, even more than that.
During this love-bombing phase, you will feel like the most important and special person in the world. This is exactly how the narcissist feels and the type of treatment they expect from others. You will develop a type of emotional addiction to them during this stage, which helps them gain control over you for a long time.
Red Flags in Behavior
Excessive Need for Admiration
If your partner needs validation constantly and gets angry easily if they don’t receive it, you should take this as a red flag. Narcissists expect others, you in particular, to praise everything they do.
You might notice that your achievements are not as important in the eyes of the narcissist as their achievements. They minimize everything you do and expect royal treatment for everything they do.
Lack of Empathy
This is a tricky one because as I mentioned, narcissists can mimic empathy quite well. They can pretend to be animal lovers, support all their friends and family, etc. But you need to see through this facade.
Does your partner show you the same level of empathy when you are down or minimize your feelings? Do they help anyone without expecting anything in return? How many animals do they feed or adopt?
More often than not, you will notice that their empathy is only at a declarative level, and they don’t act on it. Appearing empathetic only helps them attract more people and boost their charm.
Controlling and Manipulative
I coupled the controlling and manipulative nature because what is manipulation if not a subtle form of control? And a narcissist masters both of them naturally. The narcissistic control is not obvious, so you might not catch it for a long time.
Gaslighting, blame-shifting, and victimization are only a few of the manipulative tactics narcissists use to catch you under their spell and keep you there. The point of this control is to make you dependent on them and lock you up in an emotional cage where you can become a constant source of supply. It might be difficult to admit and recognize that someone you love does this to you, but the sooner you realize it, the better.
Communication Patterns
Dismissive attitude
Narcissists are not interested in your thoughts, opinions, feelings, or ideas unless they serve one of their interests. If your ideas go against their interest or you contradict them, they will dismiss them and ignore you. In the worst-case scenario, such a situation could degenerate into a scandal that you will find difficult to control.
Dominating Conversations
Dominating conversations and directing them in a way that makes them the subject is a common tactic among narcissists. No matter what topic you try to discuss, they twist it around to make it about them and their life. They interrupt others and try to impose their point of view in a way that doesn’t leave room for debate.
Emotional Impact on Partners
Emotional Ups and Downs
If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you most likely feel emotionally overwhelmed. This feeling might not be constant, but the ups and downs in your relationship are.
You might go from very good stages, when you are even happy with your partner, to random fights and constant criticism and neglect. In my case, I noticed that things can change in a matter of hours with a narcissist. Because they are ultimately unstable and act based on their narcissistic impulses. So they might tell you they hate you in the evening, during a fight that blew out of proportion, but wake up and tell you how much they love you. This is just an example of how I lived hundreds of times.
Isolation
The emotional rollercoaster they put you through makes you want to isolate yourself from your loved ones because you are convinced that “they wouldn’t understand”. And I find it natural to think like that because you can barely understand the chaos you live in, so it would be even more difficult to explain it to someone else.
Plus, how do you tell your loved ones that your loving, caring partner turned out to be an abusive and controlling narcissist? They probably started liking him, especially if they met him when he was showering them with love and care.
The isolation could be your decision, but it is a decision your narcissistic partner carefully guided you towards, without you even realizing it.
Looking at Yourself….
If you find it difficult to identify the signs in your partner, sometimes the truth hides in the way this relationship changed you.
You are mentally and emotionally exhausted
If you are dating a narcissist or have a long-term romantic relationship with them, you might feel like you are energetically drained. Part of the narcissistic abuse is keeping you in a state of confusion. You might spend a lot of your time trying to understand them and the relationship you have.
You struggle to understand their reactions and focus on what can you do to improve their mood and please them. While these can be common concerns even in healthy relationships, they go to an extreme in a relationship with a narcissist.
It is difficult to be yourself around them
When you are dating someone, you want to feel comfortable around them and relax when you are together. This doesn’t happen with a narcissist. People with NPD can be unpredictable, especially if you are not familiar with this mental disorder.
Someone with narcissistic traits will seem interested in what you have to say today, only to ignore you tomorrow. They laugh at your jokes and empathize with your difficult moments, but the next time you bring them up they seem unbothered. As a result, you might alter your personality to keep the peace and not irritate them. Also known as “walking on eggshells”, this form of manipulation is meant to show you that you can’t be good enough for them.
You don’t believe in yourself
The passive-aggressive behavior of a narcissist can destroy your self-esteem and confidence. They might not directly yell at you or become physical (although it usually gets to that further down the line), but they ignore you as if you were not even in the house. They dismiss you in a way that makes you dismiss your self-worth. They do that through their tone of voice and gestures too, not only through their words.
You justify their behavior
Your infatuation for your partner is the fuel that makes you justify their behavior. Also, the fact that they know exactly when to love-bomb you might make you question your judgment. Narcissists tend to feel when you need to be appreciated and loved, and they give you a dose of it that is just enough to keep you trapped.
Because you saw their sweet side, you tend to excuse their inappropriate behavior because “they might be tired”, “they are too stressed at work”, or you think you did something wrong and the problem is not even them, it’s you.
This is known as cognitive dissonance. You adjust your behavior and true self to avoid conflicts or tense situations.
Your gut feeling tells you something is off
Many people involved with a narcissistic partner have a feeling that things are not quite right. But they can’t explain or rationalize it. You know that this is not how you expected your relationship to be. But your partner might also tell you that you overreact and all this drama is in your head.
You sacrifice a lot to make them happy
It might be difficult to recognize red flags when it comes to your partner, but the sacrifices you make should be obvious. If you changed your hobbies and interests, your schedule, and life perspective only to make your partner happy, run! I can’t tell you this in a more diplomatic way because it is one of the most important warning signs. Run and keep running because if you choose to stay, you will be losing yourself in this relationship!
You blame yourself
Remember when I told you about blame-shifting as one of the manipulative tactics? Well, if you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they might not even have to blame-shift because you will start blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong.
This self-blaming attitude will decrease your sense of self-worth and confidence significantly. But as your relationship gets worse and worse (it never gets better with a narcissistic partner), you will blame yourself even more.
However, in a healthy relationship, the guilt is always split in two, between the two partners.
Coping Strategies
Establish Firm Boundaries
Setting boundaries with a person with NPD is easier said than done. But without them, you will not be able to protect yourself and your emotional stability. So, let your partner know about your boundaries and repeat them every time they seem to forget. If they don’t respect them, I’m afraid that you have no other option but to leave the relationship. And if you are in a romantic bond with a person with narcissistic traits, I strongly recommend getting out.
Take Care of Yourself
Put yourself first! I can’t stress this enough but start paying attention to your needs more than you pay attention to your partner’s needs. Do things you enjoy regardless of their approval, and maintain good physical health. No one will take care of you if you don’t, and certainly not a narcissist!
Seek Support
Don’t isolate, no matter how comfortable and “right” might seem to do so. Seek support from social media groups, friends, and family. Explain to them what you feel and what is going on in your life. You might not find the right words, but facts are undebatable, and you can stick to sharing the facts. People who are aware of NPD will identify the red flags easier than you and help you cope and move on to a healthier life!
When to Seek Professional Help
Don’t run from therapy. While this might not be your first option, it can be the only one that works after you tried everything else. A therapist can offer you the safe place you need to open up and share your experience. And they can give you the key to your healing. I recommend Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) as, in my experience, is the most efficient in these cases.
You may also want to consider seeking legal advice, if you feel threatened in any way. Restraining orders are not uncommon for people who broke up with a narcissist.
Instead of Conclusion
It took me a lot to write this article, and it took me forever to recognize the trap I was into in my last marriage. This is why I started studying psychology and reading all I could get my hands on to make sense of my chaos. But if I had to give you one piece of advice, I’d tell you to listen to your gut feeling. It knows so much more than your conscious mind, which is trying to rationalize an illogical behavior, situation, and entire relationship.
So, if I want you to take something away from how to spot a narcissist in a relationship, that is to listen to your instinct and the divine guidance that tries to keep your energy safe! Remember that narcissistic relationships don’t get better over time, on the contrary.